So as my first official post I'll start out by saying that this isn't going to be a blog just about travel...More about life. Which I guess is a journey all its own no? I should also warn you in the beginning that my spelling and grammar may get a little bad here and there...With all that said if you're still reading then I'll get started. I should also warn you that this will probably get pretty deep...As nervous as I am to share all of this I'm ready to get it all out and have it on paper...as pointless as it may be I'm owning this story now and taking control of it. I promise my posts won’t always be this deep…This stuff has just been on my mind as of lately.
So lately I have been thinking a lot about the past year. About accepting myself, and coming out of my shell, which I suppose go hand-in-hand. All of these have offered and continue to offer life changing lessons, not without challenging me first. I guess I should first mention that it's been about a year since I came out. GAY!! Oh no!! lol I guess that's when I really started growing as a person. My views on the world changed completely. I went from being a very good conservative Christian boy to a (gayby= gay baby) diving head first into a very unfamiliar world. The gay world. I had so many bad stereotypes and connotations. Over the past year these stereotypes were both broken and unfortunately reinforced patience is a virtue I'm SLOWLY picking up lol. Better late than never right? As far as accepting myself, I find that patience rings true again and again...recently I've to rush the whole coming to terms with who you are thing...it only bit me in the ass. It's funny how most everyone I know accepts and loves me for me, they could care less that I'm gay, the only person that still has hang-ups about accepting it is me. Again I'm realizing everyday that this to will take time. I just have to be patient. I’ve learned so many important lessons about myself and I am very grateful looking back. I’ve come a long way in a short year. Although I’ve been hurt by relationships or attempted relationships with guys, since coming out, it seems like all that pain couldn’t have happened in vain. I learned a lot through all the tears, mostly about forgiveness and acceptance. Forgiving the ones that hurt me intentionally and unintentionally. Forgiving myself, and finally starting to accept myself. Accept life and its twist & turns. We only have one so we have to make the best of it, right? Keep looking forward to a future that will hopefully be better than anything that we’ve seen before. It’s important to realize that life will have bumps along the way. I can attest to that. But a year out and I guess I’m doing pretty well all things considered.
I guess coming out of my shell was bound to happen eventually since I came out.
The only problems that I have been running into are 1. I hate change, and 2. I was more or less perfectly content with myself prior to coming out. “The only thing in life that doesn’t change is that everything changes.” I’m not sure who said that but how true those words ring. As far as number 2 above I guess that has been the biggest problem for me. Trying to find that balance of what I was, with what is “expected of me.” now, the “gay me” verse the “straight me”. It hasn’t been easy to keep my morals and values I grew up with while trying to transition. I have made mistakes along the way. But these mistakes have all come with lessons learned. I’m guessing I’m not the only LGBTQIA person that feels or felt this way in the transitional years. I’m just another example of someone coming of age. It’s interesting that society puts so much pressure, perhaps unintentionally, to make people fit into a certain group. Why can’t we just be who we are love who we love? Why do I have to be called or classified gay because I like guys? I hope I don’t offended anyone reading this…These questions are just a few that are always on my mind. It’s a shame to see the effects of years of suppression towards the LGBT community. The suppression runs deep and I have seen/met and talked to many guys that are a byproduct of this. Fortunately for me I am an optimist at heart. This although very difficult at times, has helped me to bounce back from some blows in the past year.
So why did I decide to make this my first post? Some of those closest to me have heard all of this from me already, mostly as I’ve been experiencing it, so I guess I’m writing it all down now to let it go, get it out. If you made it this far I think a congratulations is in order. You’ve just read some of my deepest thoughts and you should feel privileged. I normally don’t let people get this close. It’s not a bad start to be up front and honest with my readers. Hopefully it’ll give you a better perspective of me as you continue to read about this journey that I’m on. Btw I realize that my thoughts are kind of all over the place…I just had so much to write after I got started.
-Till next time
Wow, it never occurred to me (as insensitive as this sounds) that a homosexual guy would have regrets about being lumped into the category "gay". For some reason, it makes sense though that you would have conflicted feelings, like society is putting you in a box.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Joey, I enjoyed reading it as well as reading future posts!
<3 Sara